Those Insane Moments...

Ok, so it's been a while since I last wrote, but I have to say that my last days in Tenom have really run away from me and it's hard to believe it's been a month since choir tour.  I've been saying a lot of good-byes and experiencing a lot of 'lasts' that haven't been easy.  There have been a lot of tears as I've said farewell to friends and a lot of happiness as we celebrate the relationships that have been made over the year.  So naturally, these times have made me think of the year as a whole.  There have been ups and downs, some insane moments, and some deep God moments. 

I think one of the things that has stuck out to me this year is how insane my life has seemed at times.  Last August, over 50 young adults willingly left behind everything they knew to go to places they had never been to live for a year.  My first week in Tenom, I found myself wondering, "What was I thinking!?!"  I was in a country that I had not even heard of until just a few months before, I had no idea what people were saying, and I had no idea what was going to happen next.  I was starting to think I was a little insane for coming. 

But that changed.  Over time, Tenom didn't seem like such an insane place to be.  It began to feel more like a place where I could work and live and it was a place where I had begun to recognize the love of those around me.  But in these last days in Sabah, I'm encountering something that also feels equally insane as when I came here: leaving.  I knew it was coming and everyone I lived with knew it was coming, but it always seemed so far off.  Now it's insanely close.  I've been a part of Tenom and built relationships with people over a year and have come to love all those people.  It's time to leave Tenom and that just seems insane. 

If you're reading this, looking at this and thinking it sounds awful, I wouldn't blame you.  But it hasn't been.  My year has been filled with insanity.  But it's also been full of something else.  In all these crazy times when I was filled with anxiety, I came to recognize God at work.  When I was anxious about leaving home, I realized there were people I had not even met praying for me.  When I struggled to find my way in a new place, God was working through those people who welcomed me in.  Though I struggle to say good-bye, I know that the reason I will miss everyone so much is because the relationships that I've had with them so far have been such a huge gifts in my life.  And even now, I'm anxious about going back to the US.  I'm a different person than when I left.  The people I left behind have lived their own lives this year and have changed as well.  What will it be like to get reacquainted with home?  Even then, people have shared with me that they will be praying for me as I make this transition back to the US.  God continues to work in my life.

So yes, my life has been crazy, insane, and at times a bit overwhelming this year.  But life has been amazing and full as well.  It's been in those insane moments that I think I've been blessed to experience God the most.  Thanks be to God!

Praise in Our Hearts...Choir Tour 2013

For ten days, I had the opportunity to join the Tenom/Keningau Children's Choir as we went on tour in Taiwan.  In resting up after a very FULL schedule, I've had some time to reflect on the time there, the people we met, the relationships that were formed and the ways we as a choir not only shared our faith through music, but also the ways we grew and learned from those around us. 

The aim of our tour was not for sightseeing or shopping (though there was quite a bit of that.) It wasn't just so that people could hear our music.  Sharing music was just a means for something more.  As my site supervisor put it, God gives us these gifts and talents to use.  We can use them to give praise to him.  In giving praise, we can share with others.  We put in the hard work and the preparation and we go and give our best, but it's really God who takes all that and does something with it.  So in a sense, every concert, every performance could be a time of worship and we were inviting people far and wide to be a part of it.  

And many people were a part of that worship.  We went to churches and were welcomed with smiles and meals.  We went to schools where we also connected with children and enjoyed their presentations as well.  There was the industrial science center where we gave a concert for scientists who were mostly non-Christian, but many of whom shared how touched they were by the music.  But at the end of it all we didn't take credit, it was always a God thing.  As much as we saw how others got something out of the music, there was still something for us to learn and experience as well.

During tour we talked about how God could take what we had to offer with the right intentions and turn it into something great.  We were a part of that process as we blended our voices together and offered our best.  I think this experience is something that we could look at as a source of strength in our faith.  We witnessed how God can work through a choir and we can start to ask ourselves, "Where else is God working?"  I honestly can't say how much our tour meant to the people we met.  It's one of those things that leaves an impression long after we're gone.  But, we can leave it up to God what kind of impact is left.  But these lessons can stretch outside choir and music into anything that we do in our lives.  We can always ask ourselves, how can we serve others today?  How can the things we do give praise to God?  We don't always know what the things we do will mean to those around us, but we can leave that part to God.  Perhaps if we see the way we live our lives as a form of worship it can cause us to see things differently and it can open us up to experiencing how God works in amazing ways. 

For all those Mothers

Celebrating Mother's Day of course has gotten me thinking about my mom, but also the mother figures in my life.  Growing up, my mom and I also talked about how I had many mothers in my life, women who served as examples for me and reached out to care for me.  I would always tell my mom that there was no one like her, but I always remembered my other mothers.  Even though I'm an adult now, coming to the other side of the world put me in a place where I was very vulnerable, but this provided an opportunity for me to find other mothers who saw an opportunity to share and serve.  So this mother's day has gotten me thinking not only about my mom and the ways she's raised me, but also about the other mothers out there I've found in the last few months. 

Many women in my community have been mothers to me in various ways.  Some have been there to provide food and ask if I have everything I need.  This was particularly helpful early on when I didn't know how to get everything that I needed for myself.  But they still continue to provide and help out.  I've realized just how thoughtful these women have been in always considering ways that I may need help.  The fact that they are so thoughtful and attentive to detail means the world to me.  There are mothers who have welcomed me into their own families.  They realize that I'm too far away from my own family and they help fulfill that need for belonging.  Many holidays have gone by when I thought I may be lonely without my family, but someone was thinking ahead and welcomed me to their family with open arms.  But this isn't just during holidays.  I've been invited to spend Sunday afternoons with families and share in family meals.  Other mothers have been there to instruct me on the ins and outs of culture in Malaysia.  I guess it comes from mothers always teaching their kids about the importance of manners, but there have always been mothers there telling me how things are done and proper way for everything from greeting guests to cleaning house (yes, it can be a bit different in Malaysia) to doing laundry.  Yes, I'm a foreigner, but they don't want me to remain an ignorant foreigner.  By learning from these mothers, I've been able to discover more about culture and values here. 

Just as mothers raise their children to one day become productive members of society, I realize that many mothers here have come along and fulfilled so many needs in order for me to be able to function here in Malaysia and find a place in my community.  Words really cannot express the deep gratitude I have for the women who have treated me as one of their own children.  I also realize that these mothers have also taught me how to serve through their examples.  They've taught me about the thoughtfulness to go the extra mile for someone in need since they went the extra mile for me.  These mothers were some of the first people to step forward and share with me.  Their example has taught me how I can step forward and share what I have with others.  They share bit by bit and day by day.  I've learned that the biggest differences are not made all at once, but consistently, over time with whatever we have to give.  So while I spent Mother's day thinking about my mom and the ways that she has shaped my life and made me the person I am today, I also celebrate the mothers who have come along in my life and taught me so many valuable lessons about the kind of person I want to be to others. 

It's the little things that count...

This weekend as the YAGM volunteers for 2013-2014 gathered to discern and find out where they would be placed for the next year, I found myself reflecting on where I've been in the past year.   I remember being a ball of nerves anxiously waiting to find out which country I would be going to (unfortunately, our names were called in alphabetical order so I had to sweat it out).  I remember that weekend as we learned more about the theme of accompaniment and attempting to wrap my head around a concept that has become the theme of my life for the past few months.

The difference between where I was and where I am now feels enormous, but if I look back at my YAGM year so far, there's no singular point where all this took place.  Change and learning has taken place in small increments in each passing day.   In terms of language, I used to only be able to catch a couple of words in a conversation.  Now I find that I can follow most of what's being said and participate.  I've had some pretty crazy food adventures and would have never imagined myself eating, let alone enjoying, half of the foods that have become my favorite dishes.  The people in my community have become more than just hosts, they've become a family.  I miss them when I leave Tenom and rejoice when I'm back in town.  I look back at when I first arrived here and remember feeling extremely anxious because I had no idea what my role would be.  But now I find myself as a part of the work of the church as a teacher, friend, musician, and fellow worker in the body of Christ.

What I now realize has been a dramatic change took place at the hands of a very patient God.  It's the everyday kindness and guidance that has shaped me here.  From the smiles to the invitations, to the meals, each interaction has helped me become part of the family here.  It's also been in the everyday opportunities that I've had for small acts of service that I've realized where my gifts and talents can be used.  There have been walks with friends, afternoon visits, extra patience, and a willingness to be open that have let me share a bit of myself here.  Alone, these acts are small, but they add up and build relationships as well as shape the walks we take with people.  In these small acts, God brings out the very best. 

As I look back at where I've been so far, I realize just how many chances the day holds for these small acts.  My time here has been filled with these small acts.  I realize that time will race by and my time will be winding down all too soon.  But if each and every day is filled with these moments of love, these sacred moments that gradually transform, I realize there is still a whole lot to look forward to.  There is still a whole lot to experience and be a part of and I look forward to every minute of it. 

Sabahan Easter

Yes, I know that Easter was over a week ago, but there was a great deal that I felt I needed to process and think about before I posted about celebrating in Sabah.  You see, celebrations were so different than anything I’d experienced that all I could do was really observe before coming to any conclusions.  This year made me realize the things that I really value about the way I’ve celebrated Easter in the past, but I gave me a great deal of insight into the faith and beliefs of those in my community. 

Most noticeable was the absence of the observance of Lent.  I do know many people who do not observe Lent in the US, but growing up Lutheran, this is something that has been a part of my life as long as I can remember.  There’s always been that emphasis to reflect on the need for forgiveness and follow Jesus’ journey to the cross.  In Sabah, many people didn’t know what Lent was and those who had heard of it said it was ‘a Catholic thing.’  Ok, so I didn’t give it too much thought early on and decided to see what would happen.

As Holy Week rolled around we didn’t observe Palm Sunday or Maundy Thursday.  And though we had a prayer service on Good Friday, but there was still no recognition or emphasis on Jesus’ journey to the cross and his death.  This seemed to bother me more than I thought it would.  If Jesus didn’t die on the cross, there would be no Easter miracle to celebrate. All my life observing this meant being able to appreciate Easter more deeply.  I was still perplexed, but decided to just keep watching and try to keep an open mind.  More importantly, I tried to remind myself that just because I was really missing the observances back home, I really didn’t need to let that influence what I thought about Sabahan Easter.

So Easter came and aside from having communion and a baptism, it was really like every other church service.  There really wasn’t much extra celebration.  Again, very different from what I was used to.  For about a week the questions still swirled in my head, why wasn’t there more.  But as I continued to go about the week, I started realizing why.  Here in Sabah, it seems that how people share what they have, help one another, and live out their Christian faith is more important than how they celebrate it.  Living every day is a response to Jesus’ death and resurrection and therefore is an Easter Celebrations.  There have been moments, little Easters you could say, throughout all my days.  There have been those times when things look doubtful and I don’t know how I’m going to get through, but someone comes along to help make the seemingly impossible possible and in the end, it’s a miracle.   So if Easter seems a little everyday-ish here, maybe that’s ok.  Why not celebrate every day?

Just Go With It...

This is probably my leading mantra while I've been in Sabah.  It's even drawn a couple of jokes from some people since they know it's how I'll react to most situations.  But what can I say?  If there's nothing you really can do and you don't know how things are going to go, why not decide to go with the flow and approach situations with the most open mind set possible?  An example of this would be my crazy weekend.  Saturdays for me are a non-stop sprint of English lessons, choir rehearsals, and any other work that's on my plate.  So by the time I get to youth group on Saturday nights, I'm extremely tired.  That week, the youth decided to have a sleepover at the Theodora house.  Since all I wanted to do after youth was fall into bed, I wasn't up to hosting youth late into the night at the house.  But one of the leaders would be there as well.  So I told myself, just go with it.  Turns out that night was actually really great and I ended up being able to talk with the other youth leader about his plans for seminary and he shared how he was feeling about heading off on the path to becoming a pastor. 

I get up the next morning for Sunday worship and we have English afterwards.  This is one of my less formal classes since it's based on having discussion.  The youth come to class with questions about English phrases and what to say in different situations.  In turn, I can ask them about how to say things in Malay.  It's actually a great way to work together and learn purely based on everyone's interests.  It's a discussion where everyone can have input and learn exactly what they want to know.  It's also a way for me to find out more about what youth here are interested in and what's on their minds.  Despite the fact that I was feeling a bit tired between church and English, I catch another bit of energy out of being able to spend time with the youth. 

After English, some of us go to a kampung outside of Tenom for weekly church service with the people there.  Again, I start to feel tired as the afternoon goes on and wonder if I'll be able to keep awake during church.  But once we get to church, it's good to catch up with the people and see how they're doing.  I'm a bit excited to find that some of the words that we talked about in class earlier turn up in church and I'm a bit more alert. 

After church, the youth want to go and play futsal and invite me to come along.  I'm really feeling tired, but they have invited me and I don't want to turn down the invitation.  "Just go with it," I tell myself. "Don't think about being tired.  This is futsal!  You've missed futsal so much."  Once we start playing, I forget about being tired and everyone gets totally wrapped up in the game.  Afterwards we sit down together, cooling off and talking about the game.  We're not quite ready to go our separate ways and we go back to the church together to practice some music we'll be singing on Friday.  I find it hard to believe that it's already evening and despite the fact that I thought I would be exhausted, I've been carried through another day.

Just go with it.  It's become my mantra when I'm starting to feel a bit negative or weary about a particular situation.  It's become my mantra because things tend to turn out far better than expected and I am able to deepen my relationships with those around me in a ways that would not have been possible if I had just stopped at no.  So it's not a "just go with it" that said in some sort of exasperated tone that says I'm fed up.  It's a reminder to myself to stay open and see what God will do in the day.  And I find that God gives so much for me to not only get through the day, but to thrive and find gifts in situations. 

Making Melodies

I'm walking with my friends and one of them comments on the fact that it's such a beautiful day.  Suddenly we start singing "Beautiful, beautiful..." and then sing the song complete with harmony.  It brings back an inside joke from the first time we started this. 

One of the youth leaders finishes praying at youth group and I start humming "Amin, Amin, Amin" to myself since that's what we sing in church after we pray and now it just seems natural to add that to the end of prayers nowadays.  But I hear someone else humming it too and look up to see that one of the other youth was thinking the exact same thing.  We laugh over the moment. 

I'm with some of the choir members after practice and we still have the songs we've been rehearsing on our minds.  This leads to a medley of pieces well after we've left church. 

These are only a few of the musical moments in my day.  It's probably fair to say that the whole day is filled with one song or another.  My site supervisor is not only a pastor, but a piano teacher and choir director.  Anytime I'm at her house during the day, there are students in and out practicing on one of the many pianos in her house.  There's always music to arrange for choir or pieces to practice for church on Sunday.  Her daughters are also very musically talented and if they aren't playing music themselves, there's always music playing.  There's a common tie, a common understanding since we're all musicians.  We've heard or performed many of the same pieces and we enjoy sharing pieces that are new to someone. 

In choir, I found the rehearsal routine familiar and comforting when I was just getting acquainted with Tenom.  Despite the fact that I was in a choir on the other side of the world or the fact that all the instructions are in Chinese, there was still something comforting that I understood.  Even though I don't know Chinese (there are some wonderful people who translate and many of the choir members understand English) I can still share and join in with music.  There's still ways to demonstrate and help with pieces that don't require knowing Chinese (although my friends think I should add that to learning Malay).  There's also ways to join in with the choir and meet them in singing along with them and being with them during all the work it takes to perfect a song.  It's in that hard work that we all become one choir.  In the end, we end up mutually helping each other in the midst of working to be a better choir. 

Even in everyday interaction with friends around church, I look back and realize that I most strongly connected with them first through music.  Whether it was in becoming familiar with hymns at church, singing at youth group, or just bursting out in the latest pop song, there were many connections made.  I think it's because in music, everyone can join in to some degree or another.  Some people clap along, others hum to the melody (some get fancy and go for the harmony), eventually the "new kid" learns the words, and at some point they learn what those words mean to them.  But there's something for everyone in that music because there's a way for everyone to join in praising God together.  Those times were when I felt the strongest connection to the people around me.  Eventually, those songs made a collection of memories and many times my friends and I can refer back to them just by humming a song.  It's become a language of our own.  So as I reflect on my time so far, I'm thankful for the music.  It's been a way for me to share with others.  I'm thankful for the music in my community.  It's been something that I can grab a hold of and understand.  

Life in Translation

When the YAGMs were in Chicago for our orientation, one of the things that was mentioned was that it was ok to be completely wiped out after even a ‘light’ day of work particularly when we were first getting acclimated to a new country.  There wouldn’t really be a ‘light’ day of work.  After all this time, I’ve really appreciated not only this statement, but what it has meant for me to constantly be aware for the need to translate not just language, but culture and life in general. 

Obviously with differences, there’s a need for me to constantly translate from Malay to English.  But even if I am speaking with someone in English, it’s different than when I speak with my friends and family back home or with my fellow YAGMs.  I have to remind myself not to speak too quickly.  If I’m speaking with someone who is not as advanced in English, I have to be aware of the ways I phrase my sentences so that they will understand without getting lost.  In return, I have to listen for more than just words when someone is speaking to me in English.  Sometimes they’re looking for a different meaning, but don’t know the word for what they want to say.  This means taking into account that they might not always mean exactly what they say and I have to think of ways to ask questions for clarification.  (My friend may be content that she now has a cup of MOK, but might just use the word happy instead.  So what kind of happy is she?)  This difference in how I communicate calls for a whole new kind of listening.  Whether I’m listening to Malay or English, I have to stay completely tuned in to what someone is saying and not think ahead to what to say next (which often leads to long pauses while I think of what to say and how to say it).  At first this seemed awkward, but is it so bad?  How often did I tune out while I was ‘listening’ in order to process and judge what I was hearing?  This need to slow down has made me realize how much I wasn’t listening to. 

But translation isn’t completely restricted to language.  I have to consider how to do even the most simple tasks in a different context. When I first came to Malaysia, this included everything from crossing the street to buying things at the market.  Luckily, these things have become more second nature so there’s less of a brain drain, but there are still things that grab my attention.  Why are people so blunt and honest when they talk about your appearance? (I heard someone tell their friend, “You got fat over Chinese New Year.”  In the US, that would be completely insulting and immediately call for dieting, but it’s just an observation here.)  Why do people eat so loudly and always slurp their soup?  In the US, it might be called it bad manners, but you’re actually encouraged to do so here in order to show that you enjoyed the food rather than just saying you liked the meal.  But there are even deeper things.  How do people feel about family connections? How does culture influence the view of relationship with God and how does that have an impact on how people share their faith?  How does this influence the way I express my faith with my friends.  Likewise, I have to understand this culture as much as possible in order to understand my friends’ faith.  But the more I can understand, the more I can translate into terms I can understand and the more I can learn from those around me.  

Everything is a translation of sorts, but that is not necessarily a bad thing.  It means that I’m constantly engaged with everything around me and there’s not much time to relate to people in an ‘autopilot’ sort of mode.  It means that there is more time between observation and response and I find myself listening much more closely and reflecting more.  The sheer number of translations that I go through on a daily basis can be overwhelming, but they have also been great gifts.  They’re things that I can work through with the friends around me and they can be informative on how to live more closely with my community. 

Another Pespective

As some of the people reading this may know, my parents had the chance to visit me in Sabah about a week ago.  We spent time in KK as well as Tenom.  My mom and I had the idea of letting her share a blog post after the visit.  My parents have a unique point of view.  They've watched this whole process of going to Malaysia unfold and they've been there as I've discerned my path in ministry.  But they also got to see Sabah with a new set of eyes.  I've been here a while and things have become routine for me, but everything was brand new for them.  So, without further ado, here's what my mom had to say about Malaysia.

I really did not know what to expect when I traveled to Malaysia to visit. I had read and
had heard from Rebecca that it was tropical- like South Carolina in late June. I had heard
Rebecca talk about various people she had met and things she had done. But even with all
of that information, I still did not know Malaysia. And even after spending 10 days there,
I still feel like I am only just beginning to get acquainted with Malaysia. However, I feel
better about Rebecca being there, and am proud of what she is doing.

I am Rebecca’s mom, and like most moms, I worry about my children even though they
are adults and perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. That’s just part of being
a mom. So, when Rebecca sent that one-word text back in April 2012: Malaysia, my
“mom-antennas” went up. Malaysia? Why that’s on the other side of the world. That’s
about as far away from home as you can get! However, over the next few weeks, I
realized that not only did Rebecca want to go, but that Rebecca needed to go, and I knew
that I needed to let her go. So, I did, but only because I knew that I would somehow go
there to visit.

First impressions: hot and humid, tropical and colorful, a place of contrasts
As time went by, the people are what impressed me the most and is what will remain
with me. Especially the people of Tenom. The people I met in that congregation there
are very caring and hospitable. They had welcomed Rebecca and welcomed Kevin and
me during our visit there. I know now that I need not worry about Rebecca (Well, okay,
I don’t worry about her as much; remember I am still her mom!). God is watching over
her through the people in Tenom- Auntie Saimi, Helen, Ina, Pastor Lucy and Pastor Wong,
and the list goes on. God is providing for her a wonderful learning experience that will
go with her for the rest of her life. He is at work shaping her and molding her in ways
we may not see right away, but in the years to come. Her path has crossed the paths of
the people of Tenom, and for a little while, they are walking together, learning from each
other.

Yes, Rebecca is on a grand adventure, and I am thankful to have been along for a short
part of the journey. Thanks be to God!

Call to Prayer

It's 5 am and the call to prayer sounds from the mosque across the street.  I jerk awake and it takes a few minutes for my heart to stop feeling like it's going to jump out of my chest.  One of the speakers on the minarets is pointed right in the direction of my house so it sounds like the muezzin might as well be in my room next to my bed.  This goes on for about three minutes as I lay in bed with the covers pulled up over my head.  Usually I can sleep through the morning prayers, but any time I leave Tenom for a few days, coming back means starting over and trying to get used to the call to prayer again.  I roll over and try to doze off again before my alarm clock wakes me.  This morning ritual is another reminder of where I've been living for the past few months.  I'm definitely far away from the Bible Belt of the South in more ways than just distance.

Since moving to Tenom, I've seen signs that I live in a place where there are Muslims, something that was not huge in my life before I came to Malaysia.  In fact, the only time I heard about Islam was either in World Religions class or on the news.  I will not claim to be expert.  Of course, wherever I go, I see women in hijabs.  At certain times during the day, I see people gather at the mosque for prayer.  There are signs in restaurants that declare that the food is halel (ok for Muslims to eat according to dietary guidelines).  There are certain public holidays that are religious holidays for Muslims.  Some businesses display Islamic art.  At first, I would look at these things as signs of how far from home I was, but over time, these feelings have changed.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, many people have welcomed me to Tenom through acts great and small.  These people are from many different backgrounds and include Muslims.  Sometimes this welcome can come from the man who smiles on the street or from the girl in the bakery who asks me how I'm doing.  Sometimes it's the taxi driver who helps me figure out how to get somewhere or it's the man at the library who is oh so patient as I try to explain that I would like to check out a book again (and explains how to ask for this in the future).  In truth, I've received pretty much the same reaction from people around town when they meet me and find out that I am from the US.  Everyone is mainly curious why an American would come to a small town like Tenom.  They wonder why I would even care about a place like Malaysia.  When I share that I teach English and want to learn more about Malaysia, everyone is delighted that I'm interested.  They're even more delighted when I can say this in Bahasa Malayu and that I'm currently learning the local language.

I think that in talking to people from back home, there is a single story of Islam that has come to dominate what many think.  It's the images of the Middle East politics that come through the news every night.  I know that particularly where I lived, this was really all we heard about Islam.  It came off as something harsh and aggressive.  But here, I've experienced something different. I have never received hostility for being a Christian or a foreigner.  I've seen people going about living their daily lives according to their faith.  Isn't that something that Christians strive to do?  Live faith daily?  This realization has made me look at different rituals in a new way.

Though I'm awakened by the call to prayer, I now realize that this is a part of someone practicing their faith daily.  Even though I turn over and try to go back to sleep, people around town are reminded to wake up and pray.  What's so bad about that?  In fact, I think it's a beautiful practice.  Five times a day, people take the time to drop everything and pray.  How often do I remember to do that?  There's certainly plenty that I could pray for.  How would my day be different if I dropped everything and took the time to talk with God?  So maybe I can remember not to be so grumpy when I'm woken yet again at 5 am.  After all, I was able to wake up to a new morning.  Maybe I don't have look at the call to prayer as a reminder of a different culture, but as a reminder to take time with God.  Maybe I won't say the same prayers as a Muslim, but their practice can be a good lesson for me in my life of faith. 

Let Your Light Shine

So the Christmas celebrations have come to a close and here in Tenom we begin to look at the church programs and the directions they will take in the coming year.  I have to say, being in on this stage of planning is exciting.  I get to know what's happening from the start instead on hopping in halfway through.  I feel more involved.  But as I look back on the Christmas season, there is one particular theme that sticks out that has stayed with me as we've made plans at church.  It's something I can't seem to get out of my head and I keep seeing it pop up everywhere.  It's the experience of seeing how everyone around me contributes their light to the whole.  I guess this whole idea really started to stick with me during Christmas celebrations. 

A few nights after Christmas Eve (in Malaysia we celebrate all during the 12 days of Christmas) I joined some of the church members to go to one of the villages for Christmas dinner and worship.  We were all squeezed into a church that resembled a one-room school house (it could have doubled as the village school for all I know) and we were in the midst of once again celebrating Christ's birth.  In the middle of the sermon, the light in the church flickered out, leaving everyone in pitch black darkness.  Without missing a beat, everyone in the church automatically pulled out whatever light they had on them at the time.  Some had large flashlights to walk from their homes to the church in the dark.  Others just had the small glow of their cell phones.  A few even pulled out lighters and held them high.  The sermon continued and after a few minutes some of the men of the church managed to get the light back on again.  What struck me was how quickly everyone responded with what they had.  Everyone's light, no matter how big or how small helped to brighten the church.  I couldn't help but think what it's like when the power goes out back home in the US.  We completely freeze.  Everything comes to a halt.  But here, everyone came together and we continued on with hearing the good news of Christmas.  No one thought the light they had was too small or not enough compared to their neighbor's.  No one thought that their light was not needed. 

This image got me thinking about how people share their gifts in the church here.  Everyone gives all that they have and no one thinks that their gifts are too small or that someone else can cover for them.  In fact, not only does everyone show genuine appreciation for the gifts that are shared, they make a point of letting people know that what they do is appreciated.  The gifts that everyone has to offer are poured in to make the church prosper.  Recently in the village, one of the church members shared a sermon on 1 Corinthians 12.  Yet again, this theme of spiritual gifts came back to tap me on the shoulder.  As we plan for the new year, I think about what Lutherans often say at Baptism.  "Let your light so shine before others that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven" (Matt. 5:16).  How will I be using my spiritual gifts in this coming year?  How will those around me pour out their spiritual gifts?  My hope and prayer for this year is that I don't hold back because I doubt myself and the light that I can share.  I also hope and pray to not miss the light that is shining all around me from those people who come together and share whatever they have to offer. 

Sabah Kind of Christmas

I wanted to share some thoughts about the holidays that are also mentioned in my December newsletter back home.  Enjoy!

As I write this, it’s Christmas Eve and I can’t help but look back on what December has brought my way here in Tenom.  I remember thinking on the airplane back from the YAGM Malaysia November retreat that a small part of me dreaded the holidays.  I had been trying to tell myself to let go and see what happens around me, but I still had this nagging feeling that the holidays would make homesickness a challenge.  But I kept telling myself to stop focusing on what I was missing.  This might be a whole new kind of Christmas if I would just allow myself to be in the moment of everything around me.

While in college I worked as a camp counselor at Lutheridge in Arden, NC.  Every year we would celebrate Christmas in July week.  Though the summer temperatures would soar and there was no snow or any of the other commercialism that comes with Christmas, at the end of the week, we would celebrate Christmas Eve and it would feel just as amazing as Christmas in December.  In some ways, I have realized that celebrating Christmas in July prepared me for celebrating Christmas in Sabah.  

There’s a great deal less commercialism that comes with the holidays here in Tenom.  Ok, G-Mart and Bestamart, the two supermarkets in town put up decorations around December 1^st and there are decorations is a few of the stores, but I have come to appreciate not being bombarded by commercials.  The temperatures still feel like summer and there’s no chance of a white Christmas (no matter how many times the youth sing “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”).  But I have come to realize that having all my expectations for what Christmas should be wiped clean has made room for me to appreciate how we celebrate in Tenom in a whole new way.

As we’ve planned events and celebrated in anticipation at church, I have come to see the family that has built up around me.  In the absence of the mad Christmas rush and the routine of traditions that I’m used to, I’ve found some God moments in the Advent season that add deeper meaning to the celebrations.  At first I missed the Christmas ‘buzz’ that surrounded the month of December, but I’ve found moments of joy with my community that have grown to fill the days. 

I started this month feeling a nagging dread that I was not going to enjoy the holidays as much, but that dread has turned to joy and anticipation.  This journey has truly been God’s way of stepping in and providing a peace that I needed.  So with this peace, I look forward to celebrating Immanuel the gift of Christ to the world.  May you experience God with you this Christmas and throughout the year.  Peace!

Love Meets Love...Extreme Caroling 2012

If you ever want to experience Christmas caroling taken to the next level, do take a look at Tenom.  Someone was incredibly ambitious and scheduled the youth to go caroling at approximately 80 homes over the span of a week.  We’ve practiced songs weeks in advance to the point that BM lyrics for traditional songs jump to my mind before English ones.  We’ve ordered polo shirts for the occasion (very classy).  And, we’ve gone everywhere (across the creek and through the jungle).  I had no idea that the church bus could handle so much off-roading.  I also had no idea that we could squeeze 25 people inside, but hey, everyone just yells “BOLEH!” (can) and makes it happen.  So as Extreme Caroling day 5 comes to a close, I wanted to share some thoughts. 

The youth have brought an incredible amount of love and enthusiasm to every house we’ve gone to.  And we do manage to go many places.  No house is too far out or too isolated for us to reach.  If it’s on the list, we find a way to make it there.  There have been some times I didn’t know how we’d make it, but we found a way whether it’s through rain or rough roads (kudos to our amazing bus driver).  At every house, we share a mini-program with the family complete with a greeting, prayer, a couple of songs, a Bible passage, and “Selamat Hari Natal” (aka “We Wish You a Merry Christmas) in Bahasa Malayu, English, Chinese, or Murut.  Even though we’ve done this routine at least 8 times each of the past 5 nights, the youth come and share as if each house is the very first house.  Just because we happen to be at the eighth house of the night doesn’t mean that the family there is any less important.  This incredible love has been met each time with an incredible welcome.  Some families live in neighborhoods where everyone has AC, a couple of TVs and spacious homes.  Some families live in kampungs with homes that have floors of bamboo or wood.  Some places have electricity while others are lit by lantern.  But all the people receive us with joy.  In the village, children stand on their porches and listen as we go from house to house, gradually getting closer to theirs.  People invite us inside and sing along to the music. 

Tonight, one instance stuck out to me.  At about the fifth house, we climbed up inside the common room of a home where at least nine people lived.  The place was lit with just one electric lantern and we needed our flashlights to see the music.  During the first song, I saw one woman sitting with her eyes closed, singing along to the music and swaying to the rhythm.  The look on her face showed she was savoring every moment.  When we shook hands to leave, she held everyone’s hand just a bit longer.  It hit me then that this was far more than just a ten-minute program for her.  She was holding each second and fully taking in the time we spent there.  I can’t speak for her and say what that moment meant, but there was something in that time where the love of the carolers met the love and welcome of the people we visited.  It’s one of those times when you put every ounce of love into what you do and leave the rest up to God.  My hope is that as we’ve gone out this week, we’ve been a blessing to everyone we’ve met.  I know the people I’ve gone with and the people I’ve met have been blessing in yet again helping me experience those God moments. 

Abundant days...

 

Just to let you know, I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth, but after being away for retreat with my fellow Malaysia YAGM in Singapore and Kuala Lumpur, I was left with a lot to think through and process.  We learned a lot about the history of Malaysia and Singapore that helps to make sense in what we see everyday.  But what I saw around me left me with many questions that I take with me as I continue to experience what goes on.  (Still have things that I’m grappling with, but these questions will probably surface in later blogs.) 

But one of the highlights of retreat for me was Thanksgiving dinner.  I admit, I’ve been wondering how I’m going to take the holidays and this was my first Thanksgiving away from my family.  However, by the time retreat came around, I figured it would be ok even if we had a dinner with nothing like anything I had ever eaten in my entire life.  Sharing time with my fellow YAGM would be enough.  But dinner surpassed any expectations I could have possibly had.  Our hosts, members of the Lutheran Church in Malaysia, had never made Thanksgiving dinner, but it turned out wonderfully.  I didn’t know that we would come in to eat and see baked chicken, mashed potatoes, vegetables, lasagna, garlic bread, and apple pie.  One of our hosts told us, “I didn’t know what to do so I just started with typing ‘Thanksgiving dinner’ into Google.”  But there was more to this dinner than tucking in to some great, familiar food.  Though the food was what some might refer to as traditional, there was a newness to this long-held pastime.  Here we were gathered with friends that we had just met and friends that we hadn’t seen in a while and making it a shared meal of our own.  Many people gather around the Thanksgiving table with people they have known their whole lives, but we were with new friends.  I think it was one of those God moments where the conversation flows and you feel like you’ve known everyone much longer.  

It's in these kinds of moments that I think accompaniment with one another is really magnified.  This was a time when our hosts met us in making a wonderful meal for Thanksgiving.  They took the time to prepare a meal they had never been a part of before.  And we had the joy of sitting side-by-side and swapping stories, jokes, and insights.  At the same time, we asked questions of each other and learned.  The holidays can be a great opportunity for deepening relationships as we walk with many different communities.  It can be a time where we share long-held traditions and maybe even  walk away with some of our personal practices for the holidays somewhat changed.  

As I prepare for Christmas (yes, we’re already making plans at church), I hold these feelings from Thanksgiving close.  This will also be my first Christmas away from my family and I admit, thinking about it brings on some feelings of homesickness.  This is one of those not so easy things that I considered when I applied for YAGM, but didn’t know what to expect.  But this past Thanksgiving gives me hope. I was apprehensive about how I was going to feel and yet, I found God’s abundance in a meal shared with new friends.  It gives me hope to look toward Christmas and the experiences I will have with my own community this year. 

Come! Eat!

After nearly two months here in Tenom, I suppose it's about time that I fill you in on one of my favorite spots to eat, there's a restaurant in Food Court Tenom run by two of the members of the church, Auntie Siami and Auntie Ina. (In Malaysia, anyone who is the age of your parents is usually referred to by the affectionate term "Auntie" or "Uncle" regardless of whether or not you are actually related to them and even if you have never met them in your life.)  The restaurant is situated on the opposite end of town from my house about ten minutes away, but is near the market so I end up walking by quite a bit.  It's an open air spot that shares a lot with about three other restaurants and opens right out to the street.  Most days I can sit down under the cover and catch a decent breeze while I wait.  The food alone would be reason enough to call this place my favorite.  Sometimes I order and sometimes Auntie Ina or Auntie Siami will just bring out a dish they think I will like and tell me what it's called.  (I've really expanded my tastes this way.)  But it's the people here that make this spot a little oasis and refuge for me.  The other day, I was walking by myself down the street trying to remember what was in the refrigerator back at the house and wondering what I was going to make for lunch when I heard someone call my name.  I looked up to see Auntie Siami standing on the sidewalk across the street motioning for me to come over.  "Masuk! Masuk!" (Come in! Come in!)  "Rebecca, Kamu suda makan?" (Have you eaten?)  When I told her no, she steered me to a table and said, "Daduk!  Kamu ada mee sup."  (Sit down.  You have noodle soup.)  This wasn't a question that I could say no to, but it also wasn't forceful.  Auntie Siami and Auntie Ina saw that I was out by myself and jumped on an opportunity to serve.  They took it upon themselves to care for me.  Someone could have just as easily waved as I walked by and things would have been fine, but they wanted to share time with me and provide.  Right away, they came over with soup and iced coffee (which is what I like to get when I go over).  Despite the fact that it was lunch hour, Auntie Ina, Auntied Siami, or both of them would sit and talk while I ate.  As I got up to leave, they insisted that I not pay.  This meal was their gift.  Their kindness was the highlight of my morning.

Thing is, this is not an uncommon occurrence,  my housemate, Irene, and I often go there to relax after walking around and catch up on what's going on with people.  Sometimes they let us pay.  But obviously, the free meals and the good food aren't the reason why I look forward to stopping by.  It's the feeling you get when you sit around your own living room with your friends.  It's a place where I can sit down and just be for a while. 

Building Ties

Another milestone has gone by.  Tomorrow marks two months since I left home, but as of this past week, I’ve been in Tenom for a month.  I can start to tell there’s a change here.  I’ve begun to settle in and connect with my church family and community around me.  The novelty of having an American around has started to wear off, but the welcome and the love still remains (actually, I’d say it’s grown).  I think this realization hit me in church this morning when I was thinking back to my first Sunday here.  There might as well have been a spotlight over my seat.  Any time I looked around, there were stares back at me.  I have to say, it was something I wasn’t used to.  Were people really starting at me because of the color of my skin and the fact that I was an obvious stranger in their midst?  Was this going to be an obstacle for me?  How was I going to get to know people if they were so shy around me? 

Luckily, there were some bolder people who gave a great gift to me.  They came forward and gave me the chance to know them.  It’s something that I really see as a God thing.  This is something that is far better than any conversation I could have initiated or anything I tried to build on my own.  In return, I shared who I was and that there was more to me than just being American.  Gradually, more and more people followed suit.  And I felt bolder to move past formalities and greetings.  Over a month, I have moved past first meetings and have been amazed as relationships have taken root.  I’m catching up with people rather than meeting them for the first time. 

Granted, there are still daily reminders that I’m new.  I still have random people honk their horns at me in the street or the person who stares at me when I walk by.  I run into situations that are different than anything I’ve encountered, but it feels different now.  It feels better now.  There are people I can reach out to in those times and having the experience together only deepens the relationship.  Sitting in church, I don’t feel as conspicuous, but rather I feel like I belong with the group.  I have to say, I’m glad the novelty has worn off some.  It serves to reaffirm that the love and welcome is what I thought it was all along: genuine.  There’s still so much to learn and so many ways these relationships can be deeper, but I have hope for what’s to come.  If I can feel so much better about where I am in the month I’ve been here, the idea of what will happen in the coming year is exciting.

Sabah time...

It seems that lately, time has been on my mind as I process what’s been going on here in Tenom.  On a day to day basis, time seems to go snail’s pace one minute and leap into hyper speed the next. Even when I look at my schedule, it seems that way.  The beginning of the week sets off at a leisurely pace with English lessons and the end of the week is filled with more lessons, more to do, and soon, choir rehearsals (Yes, I will have choir back in my life! I’m helping out with the Tenom Youth Choir.)  Long story short, I find myself wondering at the end of the day, “Were all the hours actually sixty minutes long?  Some could have only been 20.  Some could have been 90.” 

All this thinking about time takes me back to Greek classes in college when we talked about kairos (καιρὀς) time and chronos time (χρόνος).  Chronos time is the measured time.  Sixty seconds in a minute, sixty minutes in an hour.  Kairos time is living in God’s time.  Things happen according to God’s time.  As long as I’ve been in school, I’ve been focused on the chronos time.  I wrote papers before a particular due date, I woke up at a certain time everyday in order to be on time to class.  I lived by a pretty strict and repetitive schedule from week to week. 

But my time here has made me adjust and tune in to what God’s time is.  Meetings don’t start at a strict time, they start when everyone has gathered and had time to greet one another.  Often, plans are made at the drop of a hat and everyone figures out how to make it work.  On the other hand, someone may decide that if you look a bit tired, it’s time to take care of yourself and take a short break before heading back to work.  I’ve found that breaking off the chronos time has made me realize that I really do have all the time I need.  I may be rushing to make last minute plans on an English lesson, but someone is there to help out.  I may feel like I don’t need rest and that the afternoon is going by entirely too slow, but that I have the time to reflect and unpack more than I thought I did.  Or maybe, it’s the perfect time for someone to drop in for a visit and we end up talking all afternoon.  In the end, I end up appreciating all that time that I didn’t think I needed.  For me, moving into the kairos time has meant holding each moment for as long as a I have it and realizing that some of those moments will be short and fleeting as they need to be while others will stretch out for me.  Some may call this strange pace, this living from moment to moment and taking the time to leisurely stroll to each one, Sabah time. But I think it’s deeper.  I think it’s God time. 

Hopping the Language Barrier

It’s hard to believe that a month ago, I was packing my bags and leaving Chicago.  After a looooong flight to Seoul and then another flight to Kota Kinabalu, I would find myself in a totally new world.  A month later, that world is gradually becoming my home for the year.  I think one of the greatest challenges that I’ve wrestled with is wanting to get a handle on the language.  I certainly try to pick up new words every day, but I also constantly want to know more.  I want to speak with people and ask them questions.  I simply want to find out the news and know what’s going on and how people are doing.  There are many a time when I sit in a room and hear full conversations and only understand a few words.  Sometimes I just wish I could get it!  On top of that, it feels like not knowing much about what’s being said around me is a constant reminder of how much I don’t know. 

But I think that over my time here so far, one of my greatest struggles is also the way in which God has been showing me other ways that people communicate love.  Before I departed from KK, one of my fellow YAGMs, Ashley, lent me a book called The Five Love Languages.  Essentially, it discusses the way that people feel that they are loved.  These ways include words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, quality time, and physical touch.  Considering these ways helped me to see how my community has been welcoming me and loving me even when I don’t always know what they’re saying.  They have made an effort to hop the language barrier when words fail.  There have been many meals, handshakes, games of cards, offers to sit down a while and rest, and many other little things that build up and amount to a warm welcome.  The people here have been accompanying me and meeting me where I am to show me through all the ins and outs of culture and life here and help me to adjust.  Seeing them get around language has made me stop and consider the ways that I can express love even if I can’t speak.  How to I let those around me know that I deeply appreciate all that they do for me?  How do I share myself without words?  The language will come in time, but I just have to speak out and let them know what I know.  I’ll pick it up and I know that they’ll be glad to help me along the way.  In the meantime, we’ll just keep hopping the language barrier and reaching out in love. 

Just BE...

Well, two weeks of in-country orientation flew by in the blink of an eye and I'm already in my placement in Tenom.  Moving in went smoothly, but I woke up with an unsettling feeling that took me a while to start to put my finger on.  I thought about where I was and asked myself, "What am I doing here?"  What was unsettling to me was that I'm in a completely new town in a foreign country and not sure what my place is here.  The details of my assignment were not very specific.  I was told there would be a lot of time that would be open and I would be finding ways to fill it in and get involved.  This is tricky for someone like me who has always been very goal oriented throughout out school and likes schedules and routine.  (If my parents are reading this, they're probably whole-heartedly nodding their heads!)  So this feeling that I woke up with seems to already be an indicator for where God might be leading me to grow this year.

This whole idea of not being totally in the know on what to do is yet another reminder to me to just be.  It's a bit unnerving to be put in a new place and not know what your place is there.  I think most people like to have a sense of belonging and purpose.  To leave the familiar behind and have that identity taken away isn't easy.  And yet I need to trust that everything will be ok.  After all, this is only my first full day here.  How can I possibly know what my place is here if I don't know about where I am?  How can I know where I fit in with other people unless I get to know those around me?  How can I function within a culture unless I take in the culture around me?  Maybe this is God's way of telling me to slow down and take time to value what's around me. 

If I look at my day in terms of what I observed and took in, it's actually quite a lot.  I walked around Tenom with my housemate and learned where things were (Hey, I know my way to the post office to send letters and I know how to get to the hospital among many other things!)  I met people who go to the BCCM church that I'll be attending and will be able to recognize them on Sunday, I've gotten to have some good conversation with a new friend here (two and a half hours didn't feel that long) and even picked up a few more Bahasa Malay words. 

So even though we constantly heard about being vs. doing in orientation, I think this is finally starting to sink in through experience.  I think I'll probably still have some moments where I'm feeling antsy or overwhelmed because I don't know how I fit in yet, but maybe I just need to give myself permission to take my time.  In orientation, Peter mentioned that we should celebrate often.  No matter how big or small something is, from learning how to walk to the market, to making a cup of coffee for breakfast, to having a great conversation with someone you just met, celebrate!  In a way, these celebrations really bring out how much we'll take in over the next few months.  I may have to remind myself to slow down, but taking time to observe, ask questions, and just learn as much as possible may bring me closer to learning what it means to be. 

Making Adjustments

So after being in Malaysia for a few days, there are obviously some indicators that the YAGMs are in a new corner of the world. Many of these are noticeable in that they are differences in routine. They make me grateful for what I had back home, but adjusting to differences create chances for little victories, times for learning, and times to celebrate. More importantly, these situations have surprised me in an interesting way. Instead of feeling a loss for what's different from the United States, there is a sense of gain and gratitude for what I do have. Here are just a few instances. Some are serious, some are fun, but all remind me that there's a lot of learning that will happen.

Drinking water - So in the United States, it's pretty much assumed you can turn on a faucet in the house and the water that comes out will be drinkable. Not so in Malaysia. Water usually has to be boiled or it has to come in a bottle. I realize that I've taken this for granted back home, but I'm also glad for the fairly reasonable means for getting clean water here. There are fairly easy ways to ensure that we don't get sick from just trying to quench thirst. Going through the little extra effort just reminds me of this.

Chilly Showers - So I was one of those people guilty of taking long, hot showers, but I think I've found a new love for cold showers. Hot showers mean that you don't really have a huge shock when you step in, but in a place as toasty as Malaysia, it's been fairly easy to get excited about no hot water. Frankly, it's quite refreshing.

Not having a clue what's on the menu - If I ordered a dish at home, I usually had a good idea what was on the menu and what I was going to get. Even if I went to a new restaurant and ordered something new, I could still read descriptions and have a fairly clear idea how my food would be prepared and what was in it. Thankfully, most menus have pictures, but ordering is still an adventure. However, ordering blindly has some perks. It means opening yourself up to new things and trusting the advice of your host. It's also a great way to learn about the person's tastes and start a conversation about their experiences. And in a country where towns are known for their dishes, there's quite a bit to discuss.

Not knowing the languages around you - I think I can honestly say I took for granted how much knowing the common language in the United States helped me navigate daily life. Knowledge is power, but it also means independence. Not knowing the language can put you in a vulnerable position. Many people know English, but you can't assume what level of knowledge they have not to mention that many signs are in Chinese and/or Malay. This often opens the door to connecting with other people in learning how to navigate in daily life. Fortunately, the YAGMs have lessons for learning basic Malay. We've had some humorous moments for sure and have certainly bonded over this. But I also think that I have more motivation now than any time I took a foreign language in school. Learning Malay will help to build relationships with others. It can feel like a bit of an obstacle, but the experience can be a gift.

If these situations are just seen as differences, a lot of what makes up accompaniment can be lost. Responding and reflecting can help me understand how I might have a place in my community and I look forward to seeing how this develops. But to put it simply, asking for help in a new place opens the door to a new relationship with someone.